Finding A Long Lost Friend(And Possibly Losing Him Againe)

About 2 weeks ago i thought i located someone i met while i was a freshman in High School. I took the chance and sent an e-mail and the next day i got a reply. It was him! I was so happy to have found this friend againe. We e-mailed back and forth for 2 days. I vowed i would not lose track of him againe.

He ended up marrying my closest friend and i thought it was wonderful. I cared alot about them both you see. But that marriage wasnt meant to last. I remember getting closer to him in time even if he was now my best friends ex. He went away to California and we wrote to each other often then. Hes a very talented man and i never forgot that about him either. He wrote me a fantasy story and drew some pictures for me. I thought all this was so special. I thought that he thought i was special. I also thought what was happening between us was special. That eventually he'd return from Californis and maybe there would be a future for us.Guess that wasnt meant to be either.

My best friend snooped around my room one day and found the letters i was recieving from him. She got mad and thought i was betraying her and her friendship. But was i? I never went after any man she liked or cared about.(i cant say the same for her.Not once but twice.) We were friends still him and i. I knew him before they even met. Actually i introduced them! What did i do that i should feel bad about corresponding with him? For some unremembered reason after that i think we just stopped writing. Did i stop? Did he? Dont honestly know now. I just dont want it to happen againe.

End of this story or at least the end of a chapter. Ive not heard from him in 2 weeks and i miss him. He lives in New York and he works every day. Hes a very busy man. He has alot of social commitments and he also is a writer. Nearly has 2 books completed. One a publisher is very interested in. I always knew hed succeed with his dream.

Should i be worried that i havent heard from him? Or do i remind myself what i just said here and give him space?

Missing Bugface.

This is a very emotional day for me. Even after all these years the affect of what this day means to me is enormous. See, Bugface is my niece. She turned 9years old today. I miss her so much its like i have lost my own child.
I've not spent quality time with her since she was about 3 1/2 years old. I'm not her mother's favorite person. Never was. It was not for my lack of trying to be friends. But i've done some things that she didnt approve of and that was that. I spent Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with her when she was allowed to stay at my house over night. Thats when she was 5 years old. Amother 5 1/2 months go by and i see her right after she turned 6. She was so happy to see me and i ,her. It was like we just seen each other yesterday. This meeting was at a train station and we happened to ride the same bus. That was the last time i saw her. Wonder now if shes forgotten all about her TiTi?
My brother could have changed the outcome of this story. He's made some mistakes too but my niece's mom would never forgive him and after that Christmas she wouldn't let him see her anymore.
Buggy was growing into such a lovely little girl. Blonde curls and beautiful blue eyes. Oh,she looked so much like my brother. Especially when she was a baby. But she's not a baby anymore. Will i have to wait now til she is an adult and try to find her? I just dont know what to do? I can never forget about her. Does she think of me and her grandma?
I may never see her againe,but she will always be my Bugface.

Something Else To Think About

Something else to think about and i hope i do not offend anyone. Do you believe we should live for god or a higher power? Do we live life by chance? Do we really have free agency to live our life the way we want too?
God said he would not interfer. That we live our life. But there are people who believe all the tragedy in the world is our punishment for misbehaving. Then god is a liar and a hypocrite. Also then if god knows what is going to happen in our lives before it happens...its not free agency. Why do people pray for help.Send a miracle! But hes not suppose to interfer? Then why do some believe you pray and your prayers are answered if you believe? They believe too that there are angels and theyve been protected and saved from horrible things. But for others that doesnt happen. Favoritism? Arent we all suppose to be loved by god and are all the same in his or her eyes? Seems like someone or someones gods dont know whats really goimg on?
Maybe everything does just happen by chance. We give Faith the energy needed for change in our lives? Maybe the power of god has been in each and everyone of us from the beginning? Thats what ive been thinking.

Remembering Auschwitz

This may not be a subject that will interest everyone but it is something ive not been able to get off my mind in almost a week. I must say right now...Thank you Oprah for bringing such awareness to this horrible reality. Anyone who says that the Holocaust never happened is straight up in denial. You did not have to be there and live it to know it happened. Something of this monstrosity could not have been faked or made up.

Ive cried so much over this. I cant believe that something that has happened over 60years ago could affect me so much now. How could a loving god allow something so horrific to happen to anywhere from 1-6 million people. Most were jewish or polish catholic. If god doesnt make mistakes...what do you call hitler? I do not even know how to explain what i feel about him.

People were taking out of their homes with little possessions and packed in a freight car like cattle. Not being able to sit down,eat,breathe or go to the bathroom for hours and hours.The ones who survived that had no idea what was awaiting them. Older people,sick people young children and others deemed not fit for work were made to believe that they were being seperated from family, whod they see later after they had showers. Never knowing they would never see their loved ones againe. Babies being taken away from their mothers to spend their last hours ,moments sometimes with strangers. It really tore at my heart. People who were deemed fit to work had their heads shaved and given very little to eat. They worked all day for their masters knowing if they didnt keep going they would probably die too.

All this they did so calmly. With such dignity. Like i said never knowing what was going to happen to them. When they were dead they were treated like the trash that had to be piled up and burned. There is no reasoning behind any of this.

Listen people im not jewish neither am i a polish catholic but i cant believe that there was such hate for people that were different than the so call ed perfect white race. Why do people have to be so afraid of other peoples difference? They dont like the way you look,speak,act or even look at them and they are ready to kill you instead of asking them whats wrong. Its mostly something they are taking the wrong way or pulling out of proportion. Anyway its made me look at some things a whole lot differently now.

Maybe my next entry wont be as serious. But this is whats been in my mind.

A Beginning For Everything

I have never kept a blog. Im sure its not much different than a diary or journal. Except here anyone and everyone may read whats on your mind.

This may not be so bad. I have kept journals most of my life. Here at least someone else may read and relate to what i had to say. Here you may get other peoples opinoins. I like knowing what other people are thinking and what they may say in return.

So...Heres to Beginnings! I like learning new things. But then this isnt so new. But i get tired of talking to myself. Anyone have anything to say? Feel free!